A funny and truthful take on the life of a bridesmaid, from one of our fabulous anonymous blog followers. Here is her rendition of the modern bridesmaid. Enjoy! 🙂
Congratulations! You are now officially the Bride’s Bitch!
Every girl dreams of having their siblings, closest cousins and best friends ask them those 5 little words: “Will you be my Bridesmaid?!” However, no one ever tells you that once you say “Yes” you have just made yourself the Bride’s bitch. Your job from the time you say “Yes” until the time she says “I Do”, is to keep your mouth shut, a smile on your face, your cell phone handy and kiss your bank account goodbye.
The Dreaded Bridesmaid Dress Shopping
The Bride has a vision, do not mess with it. Chances are, she has not taken into account the weather, the price of the dress, individual body types of her Bridesmaids and definitely not your opinion. She does not care that the dress is so puffy that 5 Munchkins could fit underneath like in The Wizard of Oz nor does she care that the Wedding Day weather is predicted to be 100, she still wants that dark color floor length 3 layer dress. So what if the dress is $350, you’re buying a new home, it’s Christmas season and you can never wear it again? Not the Bride’s problem, it matches the vision in her head, so you better pony up the dough. Does not matter if every Bridesmaid loves a particular dress, if the Bride does not, the dress is a no-go, no questions asked. Best advice is that while trying on bridesmaid dresses, never give your true opinion, ESPECIALLY if it contradicts the Bride’s. Negative responses are only welcomed if the Bride has already said she does not like the dress; otherwise for your own personal safety, zip it.
The Bridal Shower
The Matron/Maid of Honor and the Mother of the Bride always take this task on themselves. They will feel obligated to ask your opinion on location, colors and themes, however, note that they will take zero of it into consideration. Your roll for the day of the bridal shower is to dress nicely, show up early, help set up the decor, write down who gave what gifts, create the bow/ribbon bouquet, take all gift wrapping trash and of course, fork over a check for whatever amount the Matron/Maid of Honor and the Mother of the Bride say you owe.
The Bachelorette Party
Chances are the Bride will pick a dress color you are to wear, do not deviate and do not out bling, out shimmer, out sparkle the Bride and definitely do NOT wear anything white, you’ll be left behind. Be prepared to drop some dough because the Bride will not be purchasing anything tonight and chances are planes, dinner, a limo, a hotel, cover charges and obviously drinks upon drinks will be involved. Best piece of advice, tell as many men as you can find that she’s getting married and watch the free drinks flow. No matter what people say, penis straws, erasers, whistles and blow-ups are not a bachelorette necessity; they just make you that much more annoying to other bar patrons. Keep the Bride as liquored up as possible, with the ability to walk by herself of course.
Oh yes, the Wedding Day
If the Bride requests that jewelry and shoes be pre-approved (yes she will request pre-approval) send screen shots along before you waste your time purchasing and shipping something she’s going to hate anyway. If the Bride requests everyone’s hair be up, and you hate your huge forehead, you better think about getting some bangs because there will be no exceptions. Either tan like you’ve just come back from Aruba or wear SPF60, avoid the beach all summer and look like you’ve never seen a day in the sun, whatever the Bride tells you is what will be. And trust me, the color of your skin will be addressed, just keep reading that email of dos and don’ts she sends out bi-weekly. If you’ve made it to the morning of the Wedding, congratulations! You have kept enough composure and patience to not strangle Bridezilla, props to you, give yourself a pat on the back. To keep things going smoothly the morning of the Wedding, have the Bride pop a Xanax and keep those Mimosas coming. However all those times you’ve wanted to pull your hair out, evens out in the end when you see the Bride in her dress for the first time. At that exact moment, you realize why you said “Yes” in the first place. Don’t worry, your bank account will slowly begin to forgive you…until you’re asked those 5 little words again that is.
-Anonymous